I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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