In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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