how can u be prego again
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
