dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
It's official drugs can't kill me
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Randomize
