apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
