Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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