Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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