You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
not ubering you a puppy
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
