Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
