my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
