A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
