shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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