When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
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I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
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Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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