capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
