I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
