So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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