I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
