just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm at about main and main street
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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