Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
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Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
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Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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