fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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