he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
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Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
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I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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