What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
