You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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