last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
