I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
