my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
