I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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