Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
