Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
