There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
