I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
