Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
