You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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