That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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