We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
