I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
