I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
