If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
