The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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