Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
