So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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