Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
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I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
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Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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