I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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