Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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