I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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