Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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