His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I party with great urgency now.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
