Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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