The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
where are my eyebrows?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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