So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
