I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
