The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
